Interview with Mr. Roy Sheppard – Author of “Be the One”

Roy Sheppard is world class specialist Conference Moderator, Speaker, Coach, Networking expert who has recently come up with a book titled “Be the one” – which looks on other side on relationships. Here is an interview with Mr. Roy Sheppard – Author of “Be the One” taken by Priyanka Vikash from We Women Today team.

From BBC to writing books, how has the journey been?

For many years at the BBC I simply read other people’s scripts.  I realized fairly early in my career, in order to be of higher value, I would have to start creating my own “thoughtware”.  Because relationships have always been important to me on a personal as well as a professional level, it was fairly inevitable that relationships would became my area of expertise.  I began lecturing on the subject of building profitable business relationships about 15 years ago (well before it was so fashionable to do so!) But this was helped by the fact that as an established freelancer, I was once asked to deliver a seminar to help other freelancers improve their levels of business.  One of the people who attended the session invited me to work with one of their major global conference clients-the now defunct Arthur Andersen.  They paid me very well indeed to travel the world lecturing on the importance of building relationships.  I wrote a small pocket book called “meet greet and prosper” which has since sold tens of thousands of copies.  I followed that with another book called “rapid result referrals” which was all about how to turn your connections and relationships into valuable, new business based on positive word of mouth.  I was also be visiting lecturer at a leading business school in the UK called Cranfield school of management.

When I left the BBC about 15 years ago, I began my second career as a specialist conference moderator.  This involved bringing people together to discuss and resolve challenges and issues they faced within their organizations or businesses.  In order to become more effective, I decided to train as a therapist-it was never my intention to go into private practice but I wanted the skills to improve my ability to be more intuitive and perceptive.  This is why I chose hypnotherapy and Neuro Linguistic programming.  This training revolutionise the way I was able to understand and interpret behaviours and motivations of the people I was working with.  I truly believe that this became a catalyst to catapult me into the global conference arena.  I am now privileged to work regularly with some of the largest and most prestigious organizations in the world.

After years of working in the corporate world, I came to realize that people’s insecurities and fears often drive their behavior and cause all sorts of unforeseen and in many cases, unfortunate consequences.  As someone who had being married and divorced twice myself, and fully understood the personal price you pay when relationships go wrong, I became increasingly fascinated about personal relationships and why they fail.  For many years, friends and some clients would share the most intimate details of their relationships and ask for my advice.

A particularly poignant moment in my career was standing backstage in Cape Town with the Nobel peace prize winner and former president of South Africa, FW De Klerk.  Just before we were due to go on stage in front of about 2000 people, I asked Mr. De Klerk what it felt like “as a man.” To make a decision about the future of South Africa that would bring about the end of apartheid, in the full knowledge that hundreds of thousands even millions of people would absolutely hate him for making that decision.  This man in his seventies paused, before saying “and still do.” Only 15 feet away, his armed bodyguard was standing.  At that moment I realized that sometimes doing the right thing is not always easy.

Then one day I had an idea to write a book that would prove to be very controversial indeed.  No one had did right about this aspect of personal relationships before.  It is a massive taboo. I have been verbally attacked and criticized for writing a book to help innocent men and women who have been the victims of malicious women.  Even though I wrote it with Mary T Cleary, a world authority on the subject of domestic abuse against men, it appears that you can’t go on record even implying that there is such a thing as a nasty woman!  This book was forensically well researched and has been fantastically well received by those who are directly and indirectly affected by the issues addressed in the book.  To see comments by men and women who have read the book visit  www.venusthedarkside.com .  In America this book has a far more confrontational title “That Bitch: Protect Yourself Against Women with Malicious Intent”. It is exactly the same book. Emails and letters from readers have confirmed why this book needed to be written. And in some ways I am now starting to see more and more evidence that the issues are being discussed more openly. This makes me feel good. Even so I still get attacked and criticized by those who would prefer that nobody knew what malicious women actually do! Malicious women seem to be the only people who want to attack it!

A few years later I REALLY wanted to write something new that was also FAR more upbeat!! That’s when I came up with the idea for “How to Be The One”

You have written on a lot of topics, each vastly different from the other. So what do you enjoy writing the most?

Actually, most of my written work is on one main: relationships.  It’s a subject that is written about a great deal and is therefore sometimes difficult to add something new that is also relevant to an increasingly well informed audience.

I particularly enjoy offering different perspectives to a topic that everyone has a view about.

And as a man, it often makes me smile when people seem surprised that a man could possibly have something new or valuable to say about relationships.

For somebody who has read a lot of “how to” books what is new for or how is your book different from others?

Roy Sheppard

There have never been so many single people or individuals in relationships that are not working as well as they might.  Divorce rates are higher than they’ve ever been.  Yet millions of young and older people want true intimacy and long-lasting, stable and loving relationships.  Men want this too. But all too often they have NO idea how to express themselves.

In many cases the expectations of men and women are not being met. They may have long lists of ‘requirements’ from their existing partner, or for ‘The One’ they would want to marry. However, in so many cases, people simply don’t think too much about what THEY contribute to a relationship – it’s all about what they GET from a relationship. This isn’t helped by the media’s portrayal of relationships and love. You’d think that with so much talk about ‘love’, we’d all have a clear idea about what love is. Millions of people are confused!

AND on top of that so many so called relationship and dating books make recommendations that, quite frankly, you would only inflict on people you really DIDN’T like!!! And in the process, guaranteeing that YOU become an unappealing person! Not a good start for any meaningful relationship.

AND there have never been easier ways to FIND a potential partner via dating websites. But no one seems to tell you how to keep one (without being manipulative and dishonest!) or be someone that another would want to keep.

“How to be The One” is therefore different. It focuses entirely on how to become someone who is worth keeping. In the process, you become a ‘better’ person for yourself too.

I specialize in bringing people together – its my passion. I get an enormous sense of satisfaction helping people to get on better. Part of being able to do that, is developing a better relationship with yourself. I want “How to Be The One” to do that. Once this happens you will become a more appealing person to others.

This book, what provided you the inspiration to delve into self introspection rather than presenting the “old wine in a new bottle”?

I know A LOT of people – its my business. I’ve learned that everyone does the best they can at whatever it is they do. But all too often, they don’t have enough options. They want to do the right thing, but muddle through. When you’re better informed, you can make better informed decisions. When you know yourself better, in terms of relationships you also become more discerning so you are less likely to settle for someone who does not have your best interests at heart. This means you’re less likely to enter into a relationship under the mistaken belief that that person will make you happy. If you’re happy with your life already – you won’t NEED someone – you can therefore choose to spend your life with someone who is equally committed to the relationship. Basically, my book is for people (men and women) who take relationships seriously. It’s not for people who just want to HAVE one!

What is your take on relationships?

Relationships to me are what life is all about. Good relationships add a richness and a depth of being human. Yet ‘bad’ relationships can be so incredibly painful. We are surrounded by images of cruelty, suffering and conflict. Very few people are given any help and advice about how to have good relationships – I’d love it if a lot of men and women learned these skills while they were still young. Therefore they would be less likely to enter doomed relationships using ‘shallow’ criteria, or a deep sense of ‘needing’ ANY relationship rather than facing a future being on their own. Fear drives so many relationships – it would be so much better if more relationships were based on sharing lives, rather than using them to fill a gap in someone’s ‘empty’ life.

What according to you would be the 5 most important qualities in a person to make him/her our ideal partner?

I’d actually start from a different perspective – I’d work on myself first – in order to BE an ideal partner for someone else – either the person you’re with right now, or the person you haven’t yet met.

1)    Learn to like and love yourself – not in a narcissistic way. It is impossible to love anybody else until you have a healthy relationship with yourself. I believe that developing a strong Emotional Core, as described in my book will help you do that.

2)    They never ‘plays games’ with a date or a partner – ever.

3)    They share EQUALLY, the joys and the responsibilities of the relationship.

4)    They accept that their life is what it is and NOT the ‘better’ version they’ve created in their head. And they realise that no one can live up to the fantasy of the perfect partner they’ve created! They take people for who they are. If anyone needs changing, they change themselves!

5)    They treat their partner BETTER than they treat their best friend.

Can these qualities as in generosity, kindness or being humorous cultivated later in life?

Yes, they can. But why wait? Surely it’s better to learn these skills as early as possible. And doing so out of choice rather than necessity.

For all those people out there who are single what would be your message to them?

Get yourself READY!

Use the time when you are single to develop the skills and behaviours of people who are the most appealing so that when competition intensifies for the highest caliber partners, as it is already, you will absorb the REAL qualities that make you an appealing, long-term partner rather than focusing on the illusions of being appealing. As a describe in the last chapters of the book – long-term loving relationships are based on trust and REAL commitment – not what I call ‘Commitment Lite’.

Any one who decides to run a marathon accepts that it takes energy, training, time, dedication and commitment – a long-term successful relationship is a marathon.  But you get to do it with your best friend. Don’t you think its worth training together in order to win together? I do.

I hope ‘How to Be The One” provides readers with the ingredients to help them be successful – TOGETHER.

For more information about “How to Be The One”  visit www.BeTheOneBook.com where you can download a free “Relationship Fitness Assessment” and details of how you can order the book- and also receive a complimentary copy of a 64 page pocket book of hundreds of Daily Stop and Start Reminders to become ‘The One’ for someone else.